Where do i begin... I've messed up more times then i care to mention and everytime worse then the last some how.... i've brought myself to a new low... i've hurt the ppl closes to me.. and i've thought of hurting myself... But i don't seek redemption i know all i've done wrong... and i can only imagine what i've done right... So many ppl have tried to come closer and everytime theye've been pushed away.... no one knows that better then one certain person... Those who know me best have seen my faults first hand... those who have just come into my life think i'm amazing so i guess i ware a good mask.... I've never claimed to be amazing if anything i am far less then perfect... Perfection is something that i could only achieve in death.... not in life... My mind has gone over this so many times... and the words just seem to fall apart... Some things i can't explain and others i can only give a silver lining... never the full truth... I've seen so many different faces and masks worn by the ppl around me and now i know it was all fake... i was the one in the mask everyone else was just being real... i say i hate fake ppl but thats what i am... A lot of talk and when it comes right down to it... I'M JUST A FAKE... Words can't describe the contempt i feel right now the loathing for myself and everything around me that i use to love... So many things just go through my mind per second that to maintain one thought for more then 10 min it's overwhelming... In dreams i see myself being torn apart by myhtological creatures... and sometimes even a duplicate of myself...and as froyd said every dream is a wish... but it's a mythical thing it's not the physical me that is being ripped away it's the sheild... my mind my thoughts are trying to escape... and my wish is that i could whipe my slate clean mentally and just start over... start off before.. before any of this.... nothing has done this to me but my own mentality... I guess i am my own worse enemy... I could say that i have changed over the last few years but honestly the only thing that has ever changed is my appearance... trying not to show my darker side... My JUSTIFIED state as a BITCH.... which i admit to freely i am a bitch to a lot of ppl and not all of them deserve it... It was also once said you always hurt the ones you love... Well i'm tired of hurting them and i'm tired of making things seem more like real life to myself... I realise now that for the past maybe 10 yrs i have lived in this fictional world that i call my life... and for a while i was content taking my frustrations out by drinking, smoking, or killing the things that i've loved in the past... i get mad and i rip away another thing from my past... my good memories have faded and turned black.... i'm sure by now i have secured myself a place in hell... Even though i never thought hell egsisted i thought it was just another christian myth.... but each one of us creats our own hell... or our own heaven... those who are true to themselves... well they have made for themselves a safe haven... a utopia for themselves, they have all that they have ever desired... and now desire nothing... where as the hell that not only i have created comes from self loathing, self pittying, and your own personal mental abuse that you can't seem to run from... And for some of us it's just to late to chnage roads because at every T you've gotten to you've chosen to stay on the left hand of god... I don't know if it's too hard to stay on the right hand of god for some of us, but it sometimes seems impossible... every left turn brings you in circles.... and everytime you go straight at the + (four way) of life... where you think you've made a command decision... and just keep running from all the bad ones that you've made... running from the past... You run out of options... I've been debating on this for the last couple months... and it finally hit me... I've never actually voiced my opinion on this without a drunken night being THE MAIN INFLUENCE in the speach but i assure you no alcohol is in my vains... this is the bare thoughts going through my head and the more i type the harder it becomes to stop... But at some point we all run out of things to say and things to do... i don't want your pitty so as soon as i see any type of consolidation comments on my acct believe they will be deleted... I want the truth... i know what most of you think of me... But others have no valid opinion because they've never seen the truth that has lied in the shadows for so long... This will be my last post on livejournal... and hopefully it will be my most memorable... not as some one who has finally cracked... But as someone who has finally seen the light... maybe i am insane... but it's no ones fault but my own... With all the wrongs sometimes there has to be a right... and again redemption is not something i am looking forward to because thats a road that i will need to circle a few times before i can even strive to touch it... I just wanna clear my mind.... find my utopia and nothing seems to be letting me do it... so many distractions... so many things dragging me down... I don't envy the journey that i have ahead of me... theres no more stop signs to slow me down... alot of things have finaly gotten clarified with everything that i've done... i think of all the things i haven't dane and want to... I could find so many reasons to hate myself... but not one to love myself... But i don't believe that i deserve to be loved... and if i can't love myself how can anyone else?!?!?! My common sense seems to not be thee only thing i lack... I fear more for my sanity then anything... theres only so many times you can pretend to be happy before no one believes you anymore... i haven't truely been happy since i was maybe 7... Happiness is something i find hard to describe though... I'm sure i know what it is... but words don't seem to be good enough... my deffiniton of happiness is basically a life without desire, hate, needs, wants, depression, disgust, all the bad things you can think of take them away and you'll find my deffinition of happiness... something we've all strived for and only a few have found... it's the same as love... so many seek it and very few tend to find it... the only thing i've truely lost is hope... my sanity is somewhere within me it may be harder to find then usual... but i've come to find that even though i state of things i fear... the one thing i can say i don't fear is death... cause atleast in death no one remembers the bad... everyone is to affraid to mention whatever you had done wrong... but no one seems to be as reluctant to mention the good... For example Elvis may be my idol but his faults are portrayed in a pg version in anything you read about him but in his living days no one was ever that affraid to point them out... and in thee end it killed him... now i'm not saying that all that i've heard to describe myself is killing me if anything it is making me stronger.. But Elvis didn't inflict his own death... We gave him the pills... we demanded his preformance... And we neglected to see what we'd done until the pain had been inflicted...He was an amazing man... and a great little piece of history... and a great truth... But even god himself neglected him... as he neglects so many of us... We were molded in his image... though we are not god we were still brought here to portray his will... IF we were made in his image then why do we find everything so hard... wether it be to neglect drugs, booze, or nicotine, or our own personal aspects... We all portray a pg version of ourselves on thee outside... and inside we are screaming for some one to just rip out our hearts... We strive for that one perfect adrenelin rush, the one thing that makes us want something more... Well now that i've gone so off topic i can't remember my point in all of this... I wish you all a happy and healthy life wether it be utopia to you or hell... it is your own... only you can define how it ends... write your own ending and see if it all pans out in thee end no one will expect it to be happy ever after... we each have a different opinion of what we think is the perfect ending... and to end this in a few of my favorite quotes i leave you with this... ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME...
- You only pass through this life once... You don't come back for an encore.
- To know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
- Death comes to us all.
- Death is only the beginning.
- It's hard to see the forest through the tree's.
- Why be afraid of snakes in your garden when you have spiders in your bed.
- I've never seen a hurse with a lugage rack.
- There's two dates in time that they'll carve on your stone and everyone know's what they mean... But what's more important is the time that it known, that little dash there in between.
- It's not the dark that you should fear, it's what's in the dark that can hurt you.
- Lies do not become us.
- No one can explain thee obvious.
- Only GOD can judge me.
- I am At The mercy of no man.
- The truth shall set you free.
- Every dream is a hidden desire.
- Perfection is wareing.
- Only those who strive to succeed can admit when they've failed.
- Failure is something for you to determine on your own time.
- Fate is never something you should trust in because destiny is something that you need to make for yourself.
- Thee end is closer then you think. And all that you have thought was right will be judged by the perfect being. Wether he be a man, a myth, a legend, or a false hope, he's something we all have opinions on.
 | lyingeyes86 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small} lyingeyes86) wrote, |
- Mood:
cynical
September 14 2005, 14:04:12 UTC 6 years ago
not sure how to respond ....~~
i don't think you should put urself down, just because other people think nothing of you. everybody makes mistakes, so you shouldn't be punished. I make mistake, my friends make mistakes.. it's just in our nature. The good thing is you realize and understand the difference between what you do that's good, and what you do that's not..i've had alot of time to think back onto things,and if I could change alot of things i would.. but at least now i've learnt from my mistakes, which it seems like you have too. I'm just happy that your doing okay. After not hearing from you in awhile I was beginning to worry, but i figured it was because you were back being friend with Robyn, so i was like whatever..... "destiny is something you need to make for yourself" I so agree, you have to push yourself to get to where you wanna be, sometimes you have alot of things that block the path in which you want to take, but you can't give up!! Even tho .. yes, life gets hard.. u just gotta keep trying. Seriously!
I think it sucks that ur not going to be on here anymore, but ur right, it had turned into a gossip place, and u randomly get stupid messages from people... soo it's starting to get abit annoying. But anyways... C u around I guess, and Take care of urself.
x0x ciao
September 15 2005, 02:08:53 UTC 6 years ago
Re: not sure how to respond ....~~
Thanks sophie but the thing is i haven't really learned from any of it.... mostly i think i just keep doing th same shit over and over and thats what brought this on that and too much caffeine and too many smokes... and way too much thinking.... no i would not have stopped talking to you because of Robyn.... i was just never on.... and now that i have the net once again i'm never off.... i've just gotten to a point in my life... where nothing makes sense and the things that use to... just don't anymore.... wow if mr. klink could see this he'd think she finally fell off her rocker lol....September 15 2005, 15:38:23 UTC 6 years ago
Re: not sure how to respond ....~~
lol, I think maybe the best thing to do would be to talk to someone who is willing to listen to you, cuz it seems like you have alot on ur mind..and you need to get it all out, otherwise it's going to drive u insane.I'm always just an e-mail away if u ever wanna talk.
September 17 2005, 11:43:15 UTC 6 years ago
Re: not sure how to respond ....~~
Sophie...I have a number of things I'd like to explain to you today...so where shall I start...Oh Yes right there! First off, Sharla is allowed to speak to whoever she wants, I don't control sharla, so if she's not talking to you, or wasn't talking to you it probably means that she's also realized that your the most discusting, uneducated sleezy whore to ever walk the fact of the earth. Point final.
second off, I've heard alot of people tell me "Sophieslut doesn't know why your being so mean to her, she was only having fun and doing nothing wrong" quite on the contraire. The first thing that should have sent a light bulb off in my head is the fact that when I was pregnant, you fucked my boyfriend. Yeah, you say "oh i didnt know you were with him" That doesn't matter. You knew damn well that I was with him before, and that we were having hard times, but you knew that we were still communicating, and that should have sent your slutty ass walking.But of course not. Because your sophie. The horse face bitch who only wants other peoples boyfriend. BUT on top of that, you and ella get togther, and make a plan of how you can try to ruin my life once again. You both say your bobbys friend, but yet, you would put his relationship on the rocks, because your both a bunch of sluts. (You can post this to ella too, I really don't give a flying fuck. Both of you can fuck off and live in your miserable lives, while me, well I have everything I want. If ella thinks her life is so perfect, she should stop telling my aunt all the bad things in it, it comes right back to me)
So these are basically the main reasons why I'm "mean" to you. Lucky for you, you aren't 18, because you REALLY haven't seen me be "mean yet". but don't worry, that day will come soon enough and revenge....OH it's so sweet.
You've fucked with my life one last time, You think you two are funny. But you aren't. And you made me realize just how amazing bobby is, and how much of a dog jay was.
You deserve to be lonely the rest of your life. You deserve anything bad that can happen. and it will sophie, because Karma's special like that.
Have a good life.
Oh one final note...instead of buying phat farm shoes and laptops, you should take the money and get your teeth fixed, and a face lift. I might be fat, But damnit, if i was as ugly as you...I'd hide.